Ten Ways to Protect Your Marriage

Ten Ways to Protect Your Marriage

1. Discuss and set boundaries and expectations.  For instance, you may agree that neither of you will meet individually with a member of the opposite sex over a meal.  Talk issues out before something happens to cause conflict.
2. Keep confidences.  Our girlfriends do not need to know every detail of our marriage conversations.  Keeping your husband's conversations confident shows a great deal of respect and honor to him.
3. Be sure that you know each others Love Languages.  It is crucial that you know how your husband receives love from you!
4. Carve out time for just the two of you.  If it is difficult to get a sitter, just stay in!  Play a game of scrabble or choose a movie together, pop some popcorn, pull a mattress onto the living room floor, grab some pillows and blankets to snuggle under, and enjoy a great evening together!
5. Go to bed at the same time each night!  This creates an easy way to have conversations, talk about your day, and connect.
6. Stay connected every day.  You should never have gone through a day without having kissed and hugged your husband several times!
7. Find recreation that you both enjoy.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy: going to movies, a favorite TV show, walking the dog, etc.  Just find things you can enjoy together.
8. Keep it fun!  You most likely married your best friend, right?  Laughter and silliness together is good for the soul and your relationship!
9. Encourage his time to find and cultivate friendships.  Allow him "space" for down time and friends.
10. Pray together.  Nothing will bring you closer  than spending time with Christ in the center of your relationship.

Having had my first marriage crash and burn and disintegrate into pieces, I have learned the hard way that our marriages cannot survive without the proper time and attention given to keep them alive.  Don't just aim to keep your marriage good, strive to make it great!

Greet your husband at the door tonight like he's been gone for a week!

Dripping Faucet or Wellspring of Life?

As I found my seat on the plane and settled in, others around me were doing the same.  My attention was immediately drawn to a married couple who sat in the row in front of me.  

The words toward her husband were like sandpaper to the soul.

When she responded to him, the tone was abrasive, disrespectful, and harsh...the words combative and hurtful.

drip, drip, drip

The obvious meaning behind the tone and words was uncaring, caustic and cutting.

 

drip, drip, drip

"a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping"
Proverbs 19:13b

"Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife."
Proverbs 21:19


He did not respond with malice or anger, but just took the brunt of her words.
Soaking them into his heart as wounds.

They became quiet as the flight got underway, but my thoughts returned over and over again to this couple.  I couldn't help but examine my own delivery of words to my husband.  Are they sweet, loving and respectful, or caustic, biting and hurtful?

Do I want to be an ill-tempered, constantly dripping wife,
or one of  noble character?

Lord Jesus, may you guard our lips and only allow words of encouragement, affirmation and respect to exit.  May our words build up and not tear down.

The Gift of Words

The Husband, a brand new title that he was wearing well, carefully packed a lunch for his "new" 5 year old daughter.  Knowing that the precious opportunities to create a forever bond with her would pass quickly, he secretly began tucking notes into her lunch box.  The smiling, toothless 5 year old melted his heart when she shared with him the love and fun of the notes she found everyday.

In the coming years, wife would suffer through some dark times.  Husband saw an opportunity to encourage her, so the notes began each day for her as well.  Simple lines, a sentence or two, of love and encouragement, oft times penciled on napkins or scrap paper.  Wife was blessed and her heart grew bigger for the Husband through this small gift of himself left behind each day to keep her company.

Year 14 of this marriage will soon come to a close, and the notes continue to find their way to the kitchen counter every day.  No longer are they found on disposable objects, but now grace the pages of a notebook, a new page to turn daily, for wife to remember always, for generations to witness the great love between this wife and husband.

The 5 year old has turned 20, but still the notes sporadically make their way to her college dorm, the bonding continues, as does the love.

Words, simple, true and life encouraging.  Who can you share your words with today?

Communication

A few weeks ago on the Completing Him Challenge, Courtney asked us to talk with our husbands about how he would rank in order of importance the things I do for him around the house, putting them in a Top 5 list.  Obviously, it has taken Husband and I a few weeks to get this down on paper and time to discuss it.

I knew when I asked him to do this, that I might be surprised by a few things on his list.  What shocked me though, was that a few things I thought for sure would be on there, were not!  So here is his list:

1. Keep the living room picked up and vacuumed(family of 5, you know the story)
2. Keep the car clean(dog travels with me sometimes, very hairy)
3. Keep our room picked up(slow at putting laundry away and books everywhere)
4. Keep the yard picked up(garden tools and kids toys)
5. Keep the kids consistent on chores, piano and reading(I lose momentum)

So you can see I have some work to do!  I loved doing this activity because it keeps us on the same playing field.  I asked him the question because I want to do things that keep him happy and are important to him.  I don't want to continue spending time on chores that aren't that important to him, and miss those that are.  It is really very related to the love languages we have spoken about before.  I can show him how much I love him by taking care of the things that matter most to him.

Communicating with our spouses is so very important.  It gets lost in the chaos of life sometimes.  Even a simple conversation like this can refocus your marriage and get you both going in the same direction.

What My Husband Needs

It is amazing how long we can live in sin and bury it deep in our subconscious.  That is where we construct the excuses and spin it into something different, something we are more comfortable with, something of which we can live without guilt.

In out watered down society where right isn't always right, and wrong isn't always wrong, even Christians begin to see the lines muddled.  Sometimes in our societal roles, but usually the lines become blurred when we decide for ourselves which of God's commands we will obey, and which we think we might just ignore.  We interpret scripture so that it sounds like what we want it to, as to not be convicted to change.

 "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.  In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

I Corinthians 7:4

This one is really pretty hard to switch up to change so it looks good to me, so I've always just skimmed it and  kept right on reading!  Our Senior Pastor always joked that if his wife tells him no, he asks what they are praying about!

God has been doing a big work in me and my heart has been stirring on many things.  This is just one of them.    

I have been disobedient to the above command and disobedience is sin.

My family is probably reading this with their jaws on the floor, but it needs to be said. {sheepish hand wave}  My husband and I have a very healthy relationship in this area, and we really enjoy each other.  But I have told him no way too many times...and we weren't praying!  And every single one of them was for selfish reasons.

 #1 Reason:  I'm tired. Pathetic.

Ladies, our God is faithful.  I'm sure you probably never imagined that you would have to pray about sex, but if you ask God to give you the drive, energy and the desire to satisfy your husband, guess what, HE WILL.  Sex was His creation and because He has made the above directive in his Word, He will help you to obey it. But you have to ask!

Your husband was created to enjoy the site of you, how you smell, and the feel of you in his arms.  When his desire for you is not met, his life begins to get off kilter.  He may grow grumpy, selfish, moody and distant.  If allowed to go on long enough, it becomes a bad pattern.  Don't let your marriages go down this dreary road.  Recovery is difficult.

Have I perfected this myself?  Hardly.  God and I have been working through it.  But there have been a few nights when I didn't allow myself to say no.  And guess who was blessed?  ME!  (ok-we were both smiling-just as God intended!)

The 5 Love Languages - Physical Touch

We have made it to our final love language, physical touch.  The post I have dreaded writing all week!  This is my husband's primary language, and oh do I struggle with it! (This is where I have to hold myself accountable!

Right here at the start, it is important to note that the physical touch love language does not mean that sex is the only way to fulfill this need.  For those who have this love language, their love tank is filled by sweet caresses, holding hands, hugs, a touch to the face, and of course, sex. 

Many studies have shown the benefits of physical touch to everyone.  Babies are known to thrive under the consistent physical touch conditions.  And those neglected, held less, and never cuddled suffer in many ways.  The ramifications can last a lifetime.  Many people brought their children to Jesus for him to lay his hands on them as a blessing.  When Jesus healed the sick and the lame, he usually touched them in some way.  Touch is a powerful conductor of love.

Real Life

Yes, I fail miserably as a wife in this department sometimes....ok...a lot.  Husband and I are very physical with each other most of the time. We love hugs, hold hands quite frequently, reach out just to touch the others face or hand, sit close together on the couch watching TV, etc.  Our friends even make fun of us!  We still hear the "get a room" comment! But honestly, where I fail, is the quantity of intimacy.  By 10 pm every night, I am exhausted!  I know you can relate.  And I just don't have the need or the drive that he does in this area.  I continue working on getting better at this.

It is so important to remember that aside from the strong desire a normal man has in this area, when you add their physical touch love language to it, things can get a little intense!  But I have to remind myself that he doesn't stop showing me my love language just because he is tired, and neither should I.

And now, sheepishly I hand the computer over to Husband to hear what he has to say about this subject.  Needless to say, I am a little worried about what he will write.  But I haven't censored him so far this week, so I promise I won't start now!!

Husband here.  Yes, Physical Touch Good.  Me Like it.  

I write like this because sometimes I feel a bit self conscious how important it is to me.  Like a caveman.  I do love to be close to Wife.  Quite a bit of the time.  It just makes everything seem a bit more OK.  Just holding one another helps us keep perspective about what matters and what really doesn't.  And the intimacy of closeness helps makes it easier to be intimate emotionally and spiritually as well.  And it just feel great!

But it was very helpful to have my feelings validated by the 5 Love Languages book and how beneficial it is to show love and to be loved in this manner.  Our kids have learned how important it is as well and often want to snuggle and be close.  Saturday morning often involves the "Bear Cave" when all who are home get in Mom and Pop's bed and just be a Bear Family.  Occasionally we even get to eat fish in the Bear Cave.  OK - Slices of bread shaped like fish but still....the most important component of it is the snuggling and the closeness.  Many of the best conversations we have had with the kids have started by sitting close and snuggling first so they first feel safe physically so they can feel safe sharing their feelings.

So let's hear it for Physical Touch.  Great for the marriage.  Great for making any day a bit better.  And the wife is doing great here.  All of her concerns are not justified and her being close is never taken for granted.   Woo Hoo!

Wow...I gave him an open door to tell the world how selfish I am sometimes, and he didn't take the opportunity.  Hmm...he must love me an awful lot!  What a great guy.  I am so thankful that Husband joined me on this journey for the week.  It was good for us to review this book again.  It provided some healthy reminders and some great discussions.

I want to wrap up our week by saying that although you will have one very distinctive love language, if you pay attention to all of them, sprinkling them throughout your marriage, you will both be very happy people!  Don't neglect the other languages just to focus on the top one.  Your spouse will still benefit from receiving little bits of his second and third language as well.

I can't stress enough how important it is to TALK ABOUT IT!  I know this is hard for some of you, but it is so imperative to keeping your marriage healthy.

If you still want to learn more, be sure to visit Dr Chapman's website for so much more information on this book and many other great books he has written.

The 5 Love Languages - Receiving Gifts

If you are stopping in from Gather Inspirit, make yourself at home. Scroll down to the next post and you'll learn more about my journey to Relevant!

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Our third love language from Dr. Chapman's book this week is Receiving Gifts.  This is probably one of the hardest languages for some people to understand if it isn't their language.  For some, buying gifts seems a frivolous activity and waste of money.  But to those with the gift language, it is a tangible expression of love.  There is no shame in feeling love through gifts.  It is the way God made you!  Dr. Chapman has an excellent explanation:

"A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered me."  You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift.  The gift itself is a symbol of that thought.  It doesn't matter whether it costs money.  What is important is that you thought of him.  And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thoughts expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love."

If this is your language, you probably love to give gifts even as much as receiving them!  Do you pick things up for a friend that she would just love?  Are you great at remembering to send cards for birthdays?  Do you always show up to dinner parties with a gift?  Yep, this is your language!!


Real Life

This used to be my primary love language. (yes, they can change!)  I can honestly say that in my first marriage, since we had no idea what love languages were, we failed miserably at this.  It is important to realize that by not giving any gifts at all to someone with this language, it may seem to them like love is being withheld.  For me it became an area of real insecurity.  When I remarried, we quickly learned about these love languages, and Husband was quick to be sure I received all the gifts I needed!  Now be sure to realize that gifts don't have to be something you went out to buy.  It can be a note (like we talked about yesterday), accompaniment to an event, something found at a garage sale, etc.  You get the idea!

Husband has been so great at adding to these posts, I asked him to join us again for his ideas on this love language.

Hello all.  Husband here again.  Gift giving was an adjustment for me.  Growing up we got gifts at Christmas and Birthday and that's it.  And it was fine.  So now being the Husband to the Wife who found gifts a way to be loved I needed to learn how to give gifts for no reason at all.  And me being a relative cheap guy, this was a challenge.  It's probable that along the way I started giving less gifts at birthday and Christmas time just so I had extra gifts for other times but I don't want to come out and say anything definite in case Wife reads this part too.....

Anyway, back to what I'm supposed to be sharing, I learned that to be a good gift giver, I needed to be a good listener.  If she mentions a book or CD she might be interested in, I'll buy and sometimes keep them for present time.  I've also learned that Wife appreciates the effort of the wrapping of the gift and not just pulling it out of the bag and saying, "Here, I got you something."  One of those overpriced greeting cards with a personlized message on it qualifies as a gift here at home.  And she can't return it.  Because there's nothing that takes the wind out of the gift-giving sails faster than Wife returning a gift that you took the time to buy.

That's all for today.  Back to Wifey.  This post is the gift to my Wife today.  Enjoy, Baby!  Love, love, love!

Oh I just love that man!! 

Children 

 

Somehow several years ago for birthdays we gave gifts to each of our girls.  Of course, the bday girl got the most gifts, but everyone else got one too.  Well here we are many years later and we are still doing this!  The girls have loved it so much.  We may have inadvertently coached them into gift receivers! 

If your child treasures every gift ever received and keeps precious items in special places, she is probably a gift receiver!

Join us again tomorrow.  We'll be discussing Acts of Service.

The 5 Love Languages - Quality Time

The second love language in our study of Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages is Quality Time.  This sounds simple, right?  Not so fast!  Giving quality time means giving your undivided attention. For some, that means without TV, without kids, one-on-one conversation.  There are many different levels of quality time, and it may take some time to find the right balance for your loved one.

Quality time also means quality conversation.  For some, this is especially hard if this is not their love language.  But like all the other languages, if it isn't yours, it may require some extra work to be able to communicate in this foreign language for you.  But your spouse is worth it!!  Remember that conversation is both listening and sharing.  Some people may only be good at one of those!  Sometimes men may need to be reminded that just because his wife is sharing about difficult situations at work, it doesn't mean that she expects him to fix it, it means she wants to be able to talk it out and share her frustrations with him in a meaningful way.  She may need to be specific with him that he doesn't need to offer advice, but just listen and be sympathetic.

Quality activities will also act as a great way to show your love for one another.  Finding activities that you both enjoy and can participate in together will grow your relationship.  But it may also mean that one spouse needs to "learn" to participate in activities that may not necessarily be their favorite.  I can guarantee that a husband would love nothing more to take his wife to a basketball game with a team he loves and explain the game to her.  Who knows, she may end up loving it as much as he does!  There are plenty of activities you can do together where no one will feel out of their element:  taking walks, bike rides, concerts, picnics, etc.  Both spouses need to be willing to try new experiences.

Real Life

This is an area in which I have had to grow.  I can tend to get busy with many hobbies and outside activities, and forget that my husband needs my time as well.  I'll let The Hubs share more:

Husband here again!  Quality time continues to be an important love language for my wife to share with me.  Oddly enough this was something I had to encourage in her early on in our marriage.  In our first few years, I worked outside the home and my wife didn't work full time.  What she did do was sell Creative Memories back when that was taking off and was gone quite a bit doing parties.  And when she wasn't gone, she was scrapbooking!  I know none of you would ever let a little hobby like scrapbooking impact your family :) but it was something I encountered.  To make quality time with my spouse, I actually scrapbooked with her.  (the reason I refer to myself solely as Husband.....)

But seeing how I couldn't talk about my fondness of scrapbooking with the boys at work, I felt it would be better to actually share with my wife regarding my need to have the time to talk, listen, empathize, and find other things to do together.  So she did listen, she did respond appropriately, and it did improve our marriage.  Now she no longer sells Creative Memories, has more free time in the evenings and I have discovered poker so now the situation is a bit reversed.  We all need to realize that the work of making quality time with one another is a marriage long process that does pay big dividends in the end.  (Though it would still be great if she played poker......)

I never know what he is going to write!!  Thanks Hubby, for sharing with us! He's awesome!


Children

For your children, picking out who has a love language of quality time is usually pretty easy.  This is the child who wants your undivided attention to play a game, read with you, do a craft together, go to lunch with just you!  Often if your child is not getting the quality attention they need, they may act out in inappropriate ways because it still gets them attention, it just happens to be of the negative type.  Giving the love language of quality time to this child will pay off 100%.  They will thrive!

Come back and join us again tomorrow.  We'll be discussing the third love language,  Receiving Gifts.

The 5 Love Languages

This week we will be on a five day exploration of Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages.  This book has been on the market for quite some time now, but continues to have a deep impact on marriages, including mine.  The premise of this book reveals that every person interprets love in a different way.  Therefore, if you have a different love language than your spouse, chances are you may be having trouble communicating your love for each other.  It would be like speaking Chinese to an English speaker.  It just can't be understood.  This will make much more sense once you get involved in the book.

Over first three chapters, Chapman explains the difficulties that many couples experience in their marriage.  Don't skip over these chapters, as they are essential in understanding the love languages.

Our first love language for examination today is:   

Words of Affirmation

If this is your love language, you are a lover of words!  You thrive on compliments and words of encouragement.  These life giving words and phrases can carry you for weeks on a natural high!  These are verbal communicators of love.  There are many pieces to this language:

1.  Encouraging words.  These are words that spur your spouse on to try new things or expand on an area of interest.  You are showing them that you believe in them and their abilities.
2.  Kind words.  These are words spoken in gentleness and kindness, not dripping in sarcasm or in accusation.
3.  Humble words.  In humbleness we make requests, not demands of our spouse.  Demands only create hostility within the marriage.


It is so important to realize that if this is your spouse's love language and not your own, you still need to use HIS love language to communicate with him!  If he needs to hear words of affirmation from you, like "thank you for working so hard to provide for our family",  giving him a gift to show your appreciation will not have the same effect on him.  Learning your spouse's love language is crucial!!  Your marriage could go for years on rocky terrain simply because you and your spouse are not feeling and receiving love in your own love language.  I urge you to continue reading in the book so you know how to put this into practice!

Living It!

This is my love language! (although it didn't used to be, more on that later!)  I love to receive encouragement from others!  Words of thankfulness, compliments, and affirmation can carry me a long way.  This is also why, as a blogger, I LOVE comments.  It affirms that I am connecting to people.  It translates that readers like me and want to hear more from me.

On the flip side, negative comments or critical words from friends or family cut me to the quick and are hard to recover from. They create loads of self-doubt.  For those with this love language, be cautious that Satan does not use this against you!  I have found that he likes to twist the words of others in my mind to offend me, causing a rift in relationships where there ought not be one.

From my husband, it means that I thrive when he encourages me.  If I haven't taken time to scrapbook in a long time, like this weekend, he encourages me with words to take some time to enjoy this hobby.  He then backs that up with making sure he is available to take care of the kids all day.  When I expressed an interest in returning to college to study graphic design, he was 100% behind me.  He continued encouraging me every step of the way!

I asked my husband to share how he shows me love through words of affirmation.

Hello all, Husband here!  Here's how I found out my wife gets so much out of Words of Affirmation.  When I was younger, my mom made my lunches and EVERY NOW AND THEN wrote a little note on my napkin.  And I liked it.  So when I started making lunches for our 1st daughter, I would occasionally write notes to her. 

But what I wasn't prepared for was my wife declaring that she felt left out and that she would like notes too!  So, when my oldest got a note, Cherie got a note left at home.  Well, our daughter is now off at college but I'm still writing notes now EACH DAY to bless my wife while I'm off to work.  It may be a phrase, a quick doodle, a sentence or two reminding her how much I love her and how it shows in our lives.  So, I'm glad to keep nurturing our marriage by reminding my wife in these notes and with spoken words of all the ways I love her and what she means to me.  It's an easy and CHEAP ( :) ) way to make my marriage stronger.  And to make my bride smile another day!

Thanks Husband!!

These notes have such a profound effect on me each and every day.  So much so that I have kept hundreds of these notes over the years and I keep them in a scrapbook!

Speaking the correct love language to your spouse will change your marriage.  I GUARANTEE IT!

Likewise, ignoring your spouse's love language can DESTROY your marriage.  I can guarantee that from experience as well!

Children

These languages apply to your children as well.  If you consciously observe them through this lens, you should be able to decifer their language.  Words of affirmation can be gold to a child.  You will see their eyes light up and their heart burst when hearing encouraging words from you.  Likewise, harsh and critical words will last a lifetime in their minds.  It can create low self-esteem and a life time of self doubt!  Be sure to guard your words with your children.

Curious to know what your love language is?  Check out The 5 Love Languages website for a quick quiz!

Join us again tomorrow when we discuss language #2, Quality Time.

The Destruction from Adultery-Epilogue

I want to thank you all so much for your encouragement through your comments here and on Twitter.  It is a nerve-wracking experience not knowing how the truth will be received.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

John 8:32 NIV

I would like to share some resources with you that have really helped me:


1.  The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  This book entirely changed everything for me.  It made me realize why my first marriage failed, and it has greatly enhanced my new marriage.  It is a must read for any married couple.


2.  Divorce-Proof Your Marriage: 6 Secrets to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Barbara Rosberg.  My husband and I saw the Rosbergs at a Family Life Marriage Weekend a few years ago, and they were fantastic.  So many great take-aways from this book!


3.  Blessing Your Husband by Debra Evans.  I am currently reading this book and have found some great nuggets to chew on!


4.  The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.  I have always prayed for my husband, but this book brought so many more areas to me that I wasn't even touching.


5.  The Power of a Praying Wife Book of Prayers by Stormie Omartian.  These are prayers taken from the book, and more added.  I love this because I can use several a day and it is small and handy.

I hope these resources will be a blessing to you and your marriage. Again, thank you for joining me on this journey.

Tomorrow's topic-Depression: Medicate or Meditate?

The Destruction from Adultery-Part 4

This is the fourth chapter of this life experience I am sharing with you that is very personal and soul bearing.  I entrust this experience to you with the confidence that you will not be judgmental, or think any differently of me, but will have an open and learning heart through the telling of this story.  We are all tempted to sweep the dirtiest, ugliest parts of our lives under the rug in the hopes that no one will see it.  That somehow if it is never mentioned, it can be forgotten like it never happened.  I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that I can help prevent someone else from living through this horrific experience themselves. 

I grew up in  a Christian home and accepted Christ at a very young age.  I married a devout Catholic.  We were very different in this area.  I eventually gave up trying to do both, so I became Catholic after our daughter was born.  It just wasn't the same experience I was used to, so I slowly pulled away and didn't have much of a relationship with Jesus.  I just continued to do things on my own.  I had become a Carnal Christian.  If you are not familiar with that term, it means I accepted Christ, but I still lived life as a part of this world.  Remember the drinking?  Parties, fowl language, late nights out, hangovers.....ugliness.  There was no room for Jesus.  What is even more shameful is that I told people I was a Christian, and yet this was the behavior I showed.  I was the worst witness for Christ ever.

So when temptation found me, I was an easy target.  I had no shield of faith to protect me, I had no scripture in my mind to ward off the evil thoughts of my desire, and I had no accountability.  My conscience had gone silent and numb.

Let me be very clear.  I do not believe that God abandoned me, but rather I had shut him out of my life.  You see, God doesn't come into your heart uninvited, and he certainly will not assert himself into your life when you  are drowning in the consequences of poor choices.  He grieves over you and for you.  He waits, and he waits for you to cry out his name so he can reach down and hold you and pick you up off the floor.   But he will not intervene when you are engaging in your own free will.

As you've read previously, my world came crashing down and I hit rock bottom.  I was in a place so low, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate.  I went from a size 10 to a size 4 in just 2 months.  Depression and anxiety were reeking havoc on my body and mind.

My brother suggested a church in town that he knew had a great young adult ministry.  He and his wife went along with me the first time, and I was completely blown away.  I re-committed to attending church every week.  It is kind of funny looking back on now, because I was already married/had a daughter/divorced before most of the people attending had ever had a serious relationship.  They didn't know quite how to react to me.  But I was immediately invited to join a small group, and they were a life-saver.  Several women from that first small group are still some of my best friends.

So I continued to reach out to God.  I grieved over my wretched sin and life-altering mistakes.  God was faithful.  He is always faithful!  He was with me every step of the way through my recovery.  He gifted me with relationships that truly blessed my life and my daughter's.  She was an adorable 4 year old at the time and everyone loved this little blond bundle of energy.

I have attended this same church ever since. My spiritual walk with the Lord has grown to something I never thought possible.   I eventually met my current husband at this church. (That is a story for another time, but an awesome showcase of God's love and redemption.)

To be continued.......tomorrow my final thoughts.

Protecting Your Marriage

~Don't leave God out of your life or marriage.  He should be at the center at all times.
~I am a very firm believer in christians marrying christians.  Being yoked with an unbeliever can be a constant struggle and strain on a marriage.(Read this post for more on this subject)

 

Destruction from Adultery-Part 3

 This is the third chapter of this life experience I am sharing with you over the next several days that is very personal and soul bearing.  I entrust this experience to you with the confidence that you will not be judgmental, or think any differently of me, but will have an open and learning heart through the telling of this story.  We are all tempted to sweep the dirtiest, ugliest parts of our lives under the rug in the hopes that no one will see it.  That somehow if it is never mentioned, it can be forgotten like it never happened.  I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that I can help prevent someone else from living through this horrific experience themselves. 

He had fallen in love with a co-worker.  Someone I knew.  Someone I had been out with socially.  Suddenly so many things made sense:  the out of town business trips-he was at her house, the different smells-came from her, unreachable-time spent with her.  I begged and pleaded with both of them to stop this madness and let us get on with our lives together.  We could still fix this.  We had a family that needed to be protected and cared for.  My words were in vain.  Neither would relinquish.

So he moved out-left me and our daughter with no car and no job.  I continued to plead for our marriage.  I couldn't face that it was really over.  This is not what I had signed up for.  Divorce was not an option.  I had stayed with him through so much.  I had followed him from city to city with his job promotions. Our daughter needed her parents together. This couldn't be happening!

The affair continued right in front of me.  I decided I didn't want to live in the same city with him and so many memories of life together.  This is the city where our daughter was born.  It was haunted.  Too many things were there to remind me of what once was. Our friends told us they couldn't choose between us, so they would not stay in touch with either one of us.  My heart was shattered in many directions.  I decided to move to a new city where I had not lived with him before to start over fresh.

Depression set in deep and fast.  I couldn't cope with the reality that was before me.  It was too much.  I went to live with my brother for a couple of weeks because I couldn't function.  My daughter needed attention and I couldn't move myself to do anything.  She was scared and confused, and I had no capacity to coach her through it.  I didn't want to be a part of this life any longer, but I didn't want to die either.  My daughter needed me and I couldn't give up.  I wanted escape from this horrific reality that had become my life.  I saw many doctors during this time.  My mom took great care of me, and gently led me through all that needed to be done. It took a long time for meds to move me out of the dark hole where I had taken up residence.

I began going to counseling and it changed my life.  I credit this fantastic man with saving my life.  I can't describe the process of healing that took place.  It was like putting pieces of a puzzle together, where he helped me find the ones that had been stuck in the box for a long time.  The hurt, confusion, and anger were still there, but I was beginning to make peace with my situation.  It was a long journey.

I found a job, started going to a new church, and bought a house for my daughter and I.  The divorce was quick, but agonizing.  Emotions dictated decisions.  I was only happy that my daughter was young enough to not remember seeing her parents at their absolute worst.

My daughter is now  19 and attending college in Accounting.  Remarkably  through God's grace, she survived our divorce far better than I ever thought possible.  She is a beautiful young woman with a fantastic life before her.

Have you noticed that through this story there has been no mention of God's place in this disaster?

To be continued....

Protecting Your Marriage

~I cannot speak highly enough of Christian counseling.  Sometimes it can seem too expensive, but your marriage is worth the investment.  In my case, individual counseling made life bearable during the darkest times.  It helped me keep my sanity.
~Marriage is a team sport, and everyone must participate!
~Pride, shame and guilt can keep you from getting the help you may need.  Please quickly put these aside and focus on helping yourself get better.  Depression and anxiety are medical conditions that can be controlled to help you manage life in difficult situations.

The Destruction from Adultery-Part 2

 This is the second chapter of this life experience I am sharing with you over the next several days that is very personal and soul bearing. (First chapter is here.) I entrust this experience to you with the confidence that you will not be judgmental, or think any differently of me, but will have an open and learning heart through the telling of this story.  We are all tempted to sweep the dirtiest, ugliest parts of our lives under the rug in the hopes that no one will see it.  That somehow if it is never mentioned, it can be forgotten like it never happened.  I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that I can help prevent someone else from living through this horrific experience themselves. 

It didn't take long for my husband to realize that something wasn't right.  I had no intention of telling him anything.  But one night, it all came flowing out, brutal, ugly, and confusing.  Of course, he was devastated.  I believe I killed a part of his soul that day, and it still rings as clear as a bell in the dark places of my memory.  We existed in a haze for quite some time, but determined to stay together and work through it.  We saw a couple counselors and eventually moved on with life.

We decided to have a baby.  Like most young and naive couples, we thought that would bring us closer and help us get through this time together.  We had always talked about it.  Our beautiful daughter was born in 1990.  We were a happy little family, or so I thought.

Another promotion came, this time to Minneapolis, Minnesota-a place I had never been.  My first time in the city was the day we moved there.  We lived in a hotel for a couple weeks while we found a place to live.

I found another great job, even better than the last as an Executive Assistant at a collection agency.  It was very interesting work, and I really enjoyed getting to know the employees.  My husband and I found entertainment in drinking....lots of drinking.  Our daughter turned 2 the year we moved and we lived here for about 2 years.  I was ready to try for another baby, but my husband said he wasn't ready.

Before I knew what hit me, my world began to unravel at a pace I couldn't think possible.  Another job transfer was offered back to the city where we had moved from.  I really didn't want to leave this time, as I loved my job and was really tired of moving.  As I started the process once again,  it became very clear that something was very wrong.  My husband was disappearing at times and I couldn't locate him.  He was on lots of out of town business trips, and unreachable.  He came home smelling different.  He found excuses to not be at home in the evenings.  No, it didn't make sense at the time, but it soon would.

The ugliness of betrayal once again reared it's wretched head and we were deep in the mire of more adultery.  Even as I write this, parts of me still can't believe it.  It seems I am writing about someone else's life, fiction if you will.   I did live through it, but barely.

The truth of his deception was more than I could bare.  For 8 years he had carried unforgiveness and resentfulness in his heart.  He couldn't get past my adultery and had stopped loving me.  I couldn't believe I had lived a lie for so long.  How had he hidden this from me so well?  We didn't have a perfect marriage, but it wasn't that bad.  We still had good times together.  We still loved our daughter to pieces.  How had this happened?  How had he allowed this to go on for so long without trying to work through it with me?  These are questions of which I still don't have answers.


To be continued.....

Protect your Marriage

~If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.  Be proactive in your marriage.  Don't wait until something is VERY wrong, before discussing it.  Little things turn into big things very quickly.
~I highly recommend counseling, but the key is finding a Christian counselor who shares your core beliefs.  Anyone else will not relate to your convictions and therefore will not have the right advice for you.
~Too much time away from each other will create individual lives that divide.  It is great to have outside interests, but limits and boundaries must be set. Find common interests to do together.
~Unforgiveness and bitterness are poison to the heart.  If you have the least bit hiding in your heart, it must be addressed.  Yes it hurts to work through disagreements, but the alternative is worse.

The Destruction from Adultery-Part 1

I have a life experience to share with you over the next several days that is very personal and soul bearing.  I entrust this experience to you with the confidence that you will not be judgmental, or think any differently of me, but will have an open and learning heart through the telling of this story.  We are all tempted to sweep the dirtiest, ugliest parts of our lives under the rug in the hopes that no one will see it.  That somehow if it is never mentioned, it can be forgotten like it never happened.  I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that I can help prevent someone else from living through this horrific experience themselves. 

Adultery has become an epidemic in this country.  We see it everywhere, especially in Hollywood, as if it were an acceptable practice.  Sadly far too many people have been touched and effected by it, and it is ugly.  It destroys lives and families, friendships and relationships.  And life is never the same......

I was married at the age of 20 to my high school sweetheart.  We moved into a one bedroom apartment in the city, both had good jobs, and quickly made friends.  My dad died of cancer when we had been married for only 8 months. It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my lifetime.  But our marriage was pretty good for that first couple years.  Then he began doing so well at his job that he was given more and more responsibilities.  I didn't see him much.  A promotion moved us to another city.  So we started over, making new friends, finding a job for me.  I saw him even less.

I found a job I really enjoyed.  The people were fun, and very different from anything I had experienced, a road construction company.  I threw myself into my work and got some promotions of my own.  He wasn't home much, so I went out with work friends a lot.

Conversations happen.  You get to know people by sharing your life with them.  I was still grieving the loss of my dad.  Turns out my supervisor had lost his dad in much the same way.  We talked a lot about that.  We went to lunch to discuss work, but discussed ourselves, sharing information........information that should have been only for our spouses.

Like an out of body experience, it all happened before I knew what hit me.  We had spent so much time together, feelings quickly developed. Plans started emerging to find ways to see each other outside of work.  He had become my best friend and confidant.  He understood me in ways my husband didn't.  My husband wasn't paying attention to me, still involved in work and deep responsibilities.

Another promotion was offered in yet a different city.  He didn't hesitate to say yes.  My heart was a mess.  My deceit was deep.  I drug my feet during the moving transition.  I made it happen as slow as possible.  Even though this new city was an hour away, I found reasons to return to my job to "help" those who I had left in charge after I had resigned.  I spent more futile time with him.

I could give many excuses and reasons to justify my behavior.  Like, my husband wasn't there for me when I needed him, or it wasn't adultery because it wasn't physically consummated, or I really needed someone who could understand what I was going through after the loss of my dad.  All empty and hollow excuses for my deep sin and betrayal.  My heart was fully engaged.  He had taken the place of my husband.

To be continued........

Protect Your Marriage

1.  Make an agreement with your husband that neither of you will have any meals alone with anyone other than each other.
2.  If you spend any time at all thinking about someone repeatedly throughout the day, you need to examine those thoughts and turn away.
3.  Guard your conversations with others by not sharing personal information and feelings that should only be shared with your spouse.

Blessing Your Marriage

Are you protecting your marriage?  Remember that Devil, who prowls around looking for someone to devour?  Marriages are his prime target.  He'll use whatever device available to him to put cracks in your marriage where he can attack.  It starts small, unnoticeable.  But soon, it develops into something much bigger.  Doubts, unhappiness, anger, resentment, bitterness.  Most times you don't even know where it came from.

Your marriage is a living relationship that needs your time and attention.  It cannot survive on its own.  Would you take some time today to infuse your marriage with some new energy?  Here are some ideas:

~When your husband arrives home from work today, be the first to greet him at the door with a hug and kiss.

~Ask your husband if you can cook him his favorite meal this week.

~Write your husband a love note and place it somewhere he will find it: in his lunch, on his pillow, in a book he is reading, in his Bible

~Be mindful of words that tear him down.  Use some affirming words today that will encourage him.

~Thank him for the hard work he does to provide for your family.

~Encourage him to partake in outside activities with friends.

~And most importantly, give your marriage to God to watch over and protect.  Pray for your husband each day.

Ladies, your marriage is precious and needs constant attention.  Don't let it wither away to a hollow relationship with a roommate.

Why is it so important to me to convey this to you?  Visit me again tomorrow as I share with you how I learned the hard way.

I Married a Rock Star!

Today marks 13 years of wedded bliss to my Knight in Shining Armor.  I could not have found a more perfect man to be my husband, so I know all the glory belongs to God for orchestrating our meeting.(long story)

I am so thankful for a man who understands me, who encourages me, who puts up with my mood swings (seriously, he's been through several bouts of my depression!), and loves me with an unconditional love that I have never experienced before. 

Don't get me wrong, we've had some scrapes just like every other married couple, but somehow it always comes back to just being awesome.  We work really hard at keeping it that way.

Can I encourage you to find the awesome in your marriage again?  Take time for each other, talk much, talk often, play together, hang out, be best friends.  We don't go out on many "date" nights, but we sure have fun hanging out on the couch watching movies, playing scrabble(I lose) and enjoying each others company.

Take hold of what God intended to be your most important relationship.  CELEBRATE!

I know we plan to do just that today!